the birthday post - 36

36! 

The years are going by so fast, I’m trying to keep up. 

I hope the years go slower and slower from now on. 

I want to craft and live a life that is rich, authentic and abundant. 

But most importantly I want to craft my life with clarity, intent and fearlessness. 

I hope I feel triumphant every November, rather than wondering what on earth I did all year.  

This year I spent over 6 months nursing a broken thumb – months that kept me off drawing, writing and playing the piano – things I loved doing most. 

It was an interesting lesson in patience.

It was my first (and fascinating) experience of watching a piece of my body crack and magically self-heal.

How powerful, our bodies. 

 

It was during this time that I turned to the “do the bare minimum” phenomenon. 

You know, those “just get work done, just get through the day” kind of days. 

I’ve had plenty of days like those this year. 

Initially I felt pretty good. Watching mindless TV was just that – mindless – a relief from having to work my brain. 

But soon I didn’t really like it.

I like doing stuff. 

I like doing things that give my life meaning. Writing, drawing, music, reading, swimming, walking. 

Of course, you can choose anything and declare that it will give your life meaning. Free for all. Pick anything and hang on to it for dear life. 

But not just one, choose 2 or 3 things you think will give your life meaning.

One needs options.

I’ve decided that volunteering to make the world a better place isn’t necessarily superior to watching a movie in your free time. 

Because in the end it’s about what makes YOU feel sane and happy and that’s the only thing that matters, the only thing within your control, the only thing that will make a difference to people around you. 

So how does it matter whether you get there by watching mindless TV or by swimming or by producing a piece of art? 

Plus, you know: In the end, nothing matters. 

When I say “the end” I mean not just the end of the world, but that of many worlds, of many universes, the length of time the human brain can barely conjure up. 

That’s what I think anyway. How can anyone prove otherwise? Who knows what will happen in the future and if even human existence is of any consequence in the large (very large) picture? 

That's why it's important to identify things that will give our lives meaning. 

Isn’t it amazing that the whole world is just a product of our brains? 

The biggest gift a human being can have is the gift of cognition, this beautiful, beautiful gift of being able to think, remember, perceive. 

I’m baffled by the number of pictures people take of themselves taking pictures of themselves. Why are there so many pics of people taking their own selfies? 

A highlight of this year was watching lugworm squiggles on the beach (look it up if you don’t know what it is! Amazing stuff.). 

Other highlights were walking through wildflower meadows, taking a dip in a very cold waterfall, and watching a glacier from a train through Norwegian mountains. 

I hope I’m always excited by natural wonders, wherever I am.  

I hope I never lose enthusiasm for the smallest of things. 

This year, I got to connect with a lovely person online who’s translating my work into French. 

A serendipitous meeting! Who knows where this will go? I'm just going to enjoy the journey! 

I’m grateful that my work has brought me in contact with so many incredible people all over the world who’ve connected with me both online and offline. 

Human connections matter.

What are we here for if not for each other? 

Funny/interesting things I heard this year: 

“Oh you are married?! Oh your husband is at work now? That’s great. Men should work. Women should go on holiday. Hahaha.”  - Bulgarian cab guy who was driving me to the airport.

"One version we project at one point cannot be a constant… we keep growing and changing with different experiences." – Friend, about me worrying what someone at work thought of me.

"That’s okay, our interests and ideas evolve..." – Mother-in-law, when I said I’m no longer sure I like drawing comics.

"There are lots of people who have kids and are happy. There are lots of people who have kids and are unhappy. And vice versa. Your happiness doesn't depend on whether you have kids." – my mom.

"We will start a family fund for your creative business." – my incredibly supportive dad.

"I think you should become a full-time travel writer." – my long-suffering partner who has trudged along on many of my sudden trips.

This year, I’ve had people visit me with no agenda but to simply spend time with me. It was the most flattering, most amazing feeling in the world! How lucky am I!  

I got to reconnect with a lot of old friends this year, and I am so bloody grateful for that.  

Given a few hours to myself in a new city, I am likely to: go for a hike, watch sunrise/sunset, go to a bookshop/library, find a park/zoo/botanic garden. Highly unlikely to visit a museum or historical buildings or do any kind of audio tour (I am terrified of them!).  

To be in the company of living things makes me feel peaceful. 

I miss India more and more by the day. 

I’d love to see and know more of India – from Zuari to Zanskar. 

One day I want to travel across India and write a comic book about its beautiful people and places. 

I am so proud to have had the unique and diverse range of influences I’ve had through my 35 years of life so far – musically, literary, artistically, linguistically, visually... all the allys.

I used to feel really embarrassed as a kid that I couldn’t converse on politics and cricket – two topics that seemed to dominate most adult conversations. 

But today I’m so proud of having been different, that I know exactly what a min7add9 chord sounds like or how to use salt in watercolours.

It’s time we stopped feeling guilty for who we are. 

It’s time we stopped overcompensating for who we are or who we’re not. (#notetoself)

My favourite lyrics in the world are Seek Up by the Dave Matthews Band. 

“Forget about being guilty we are innocent instead. For soon we will all find our lives swept away…” 

I love dragonflies. 

I love swimming. Oh, I do love swimming. It makes me feel relieved, confident, at home. 

I love Punjabi food. 

I love spending time with kids.

I've started to really love cooking. A highlight of this year has been regularly making my mom's melt-in-mouth rotis. 

Nice to have many things to love.

One needs options.

I regret that I’ve become a more closed person. 

I’m cautious about what I say and to whom. 

I don’t really like this person that much.  

I was happier when I was saying and doing things without thinking much, even though it led to much judgement and led to my cautiousness in the first place. 

I was often called fickle and indecisive due to my frequently changing career choices. 

But I think I had enormous amounts of strength to make decisions, to identify and eliminate what wasn’t a good choice for me. Way better than sticking to a bad option knowing it was a bad option and being miserable.  

I think we unnecessarily revere the idea of stability and steadfastness. 

Things need to be fluid, there needs to be space to evolve, the boat needs to be rocked.  

One needs options. 

I dread being static, fixed, tied down. 

I don’t want to ever be in a place where I feel life is just about work and watching some stuff on TV after.

I want to be like a river, meandering, finding new ground, creating patterns, ready to do anything. 

I don’t really like my comics.

I’ve always thought of myself as a writer. 

Comics still feel like a medium where I’m struggling to match what I envision to what I end up producing.

I would like to think and draw stuff beyond stick figures.

I’m really keen to explore what my style as an illustrator is – beyond the minimalism and line drawings. Will I make pretty dainty watercolours? Will I paint large dramatic art canvases? Will I used mixed media or gouache? Who knows. I’m going to find out next year. 

I’d like to be an illustrator. That’s a good option. 

I started to play the bass guitar this year. 

A complete lack of discipline prevents me from doing anything real with it, but hey, it’s good to have the option to be a bassist one day. 

We’ve had friends and family over every month this year. It’s been all kinds of delightful to cook up warm meals and have all these happy laughing faces at home. 

I think I'm getting closer to my dream of being a Great Indian Aunty. 

I like being myself in these posts.

I wonder if people judge me after reading these posts. 

But then I remember, everyone’s too busy getting photographed while taking selfies.  

Somedays I feel like the relentless positivity I had in my twenties has been replaced by a sharp cynicism. 

But thankfully those moments are short-lived. 

I have to say that I have a deep rooted fear of cynicism. I indulge it whole-heartedly once in a while, but I would hate to turn permanently to the Dark Side.

So I try to keep myself in check. 

 

This year I've learned to accept myself, even the bits of me that I dislike.

When I look in the mirror I find that I'm decidedly a big fat NOT BAD.

I will say goodbye to guilt and hello to self-appreciation.

When you can be who you truly are, you can do anything.

There are so many options.

And one always needs options.

With that, I conclude my wise words and get busy being 36.

the birthday post - 35

35!

What a nice number. Feels like a destination. 

I’ve been warned that this is when I’m going to have a midlife crisis. 

That’s funny because I’ve already finished having my midlife crisis. 

In fact, I seem to have a life crisis every year. 

I quite enjoy having them – I’d be alarmed if I didn’t.  

All my life I’ve been an explorer. 

I’ve been lucky enough to explore mountains and forests and waterfalls and fields. 

But what has always thrilled me is exploring how people think, what goes on in their heads, how they interpret life and love and purpose and meaning.  

I get a kick out of having the smallest opportunity to look into someone’s mind. 

It’s a real privilege. 

This year, I had the opportunity to explore my own head. 

It was a terrifying and rewarding experience. 

I’ve always thought that you can’t possibly know someone else entirely. 

But now I think that there’s no way I will know myself entirely. 

I’m barely scratching the surface. 

I’ve undergone possibly the biggest revamp of my personality since I was 19. 

I feel like someone’s reached inside me and pulled out my guts and soul and heart and mind and prodded them, squeezed them, juggled with them, tap-danced on them, then arranged them differently, and put them all back in with an evil laugh.   

What fun. 

I don’t know if the new configuration will work yet but I’ll find out soon. 

I did eight months of therapy this year: the greatest gift I've given to myself.   

I started the year by quitting everything: my full-time job, my part-time job, a contract job. 

Clearly those were too many jobs to handle. 

Human capacity is unfortunately finite. 

But I’ve realized over time that quitting is an art too.

It’s not a sign of failure. 

On the contrary, quitting something has always spelled victory for me. 

Knowing when to stop is an art. 

Just like you ideally don’t want to overcook a dish or overwater a garden or overstuff a piece of music, you ideally don’t want to stick around in a situation that no longer serves you. 

You don’t have to kill yourself to get to the top of a mountain when you could be enjoying a packet of crisps sitting on a rock by a waterfall halfway up. 

I’ve tried and tested that. 

As I grow older, I increasingly feel like there are some important things we don’t learn as kids, which we should. 

One of the glaring gaps is life skill lessons is “How to Think”. 

I think this should be a special subject in itself. 

How to Think: a mandatory module taught by scientists, artists, writers, engineers, entrepreneurs, innovators, problem-solvers, roadside vendors, working parents, stay at home parents, believers, non-believers, etc.

 

And what about How to Deal with Conflict? That stuff really matters. 

And survival books? 

More than how to survive on an island, I think we need material on How to Survive in Society. 

How to survive right here, right now, not just in some far-fetched situation. 

Or maybe everyone’s cracked this and it’s just me! 

Anyway. The whole series of books will be packaged nicely and called How to Life. 

Yes, How to Life not how to live.

Life. A How-to. I wish I had had this manual while growing up.

Like millions of women in India and across the world, I have been inappropriately groped in public (and private) spaces as a child, a teenager, and an adult. 

A friend of mine from another country who lived in India for a long time remarked, “If you accumulate bad karma over and over and over again, you know what happens?” I asked what, and he said, “You’ll be born as a woman in India.” 

It made me cry. 

 

I realised what it meant to be a fearless woman when I walked on an empty street in Oslo and swam by myself in a lake in the middle of a forest.

I’ve travelled alone plenty of times but for some reason, this was so special. 

It was just me and the lake and the trees and the sky. Highlight of the year. 

I think I’m a closet hippie and a wild rebel trapped in a mind that often, much to my annoyance, seeks social acceptance.

Such conflict.  

Wow, the things I’ve started to reveal in these posts. 

People keep telling me that I’m brave to share so much of my personal stuff online.

But to be honest I don’t feel brave at all. 

I don’t fear it so it doesn’t make me brave to do it. 

I find myself being a misfit in society more often than I’d like to admit. 

How to Survive as a Misfit in Society. Special edition.  

I don’t care what people think about my comics, which often reflect my deepest thoughts, but I agonize over how many exclamation marks I use in work emails, whether I’ve talked too much in my first meeting with a potential friend, whether I’ve been rude in a Whatsapp message without intending to. 

I seem to be anxious about the small stuff and reasonably chilled out about the big stuff. 

Swimming helps immensely with anxiety. 

Ah, swimming. It saved me this year. 

Just that movement. Gliding, pulling, gliding, pulling. 

This year I swam in open waters. 

What a feeling to float on your back under a great big sky! 

Interesting things I heard this year:

“You’ll get there faster by going slower.” – a woman I met during a solo trip to Cornwall. 

“I’d like to be as self-unaware as possible.” – a friend, after therapy. 

“I want to go to London one day just to see how there are so many people in one place, like people go to zoos to see animals.” – a girl from Lapland, who’d grown up in the forest, with reindeer and pine trees for friends.  

“It’s always worth spending money for mental peace.” – my wise partner. 

“I’m so proud of you.” – my mom, on a couple of occasions this year. 

“Don’t worryyyyy! You can practise and get better.” – a friend’s 4 year old daughter, who was trying to be kind about my bad dancing to her fav Frozen songs.

“Even though I didn’t understand it, I had faith in us and knew that we would figure it out.” – a friend, after we had to Deal with Conflict. 

“It's not your fault. The brain will always want to protect you and keep you safe.” – my therapist.

Nowadays I’m much more guarded, less willing to trust, and more careful about my Resource Usage. 

I told a friend very proudly about my progress on this front. 

I declared that I was going to be cherry-picky about what I gave to whom. 

He looked at me and said, “But you’re you. You love and trust without boundaries. That’s who you are.” 

Hmmmm. That struck a chord. 

One of my favourite movies is Kiki’s Delivery Service, which I’ve watched many many times.  

I used to think it’s about growing up. 

I rewatched it and realized that it’s about independence.

Then I rewatched it and figured that it’s actually about loneliness. 

Then I saw it again and realized that it’s about burnout! 

You know that moment when Jiji stops talking to Kiki? 

That moment has been this full year for me. 

But, like Kiki, I managed to sit my butt on my broom and make it work. 

Cheers to the unbearable lightness of inescapable adulthood.

The greatest lesson I've learned in my 35 years of life is that Stuff Has To Get Done. 

This year has been all about Setting Boundaries. 

I went to my therapist with a very well-thought out list of all the things I didn't want to be. 

I wanted to be a New Person. 

Example: 

Does not want to be: people pleaser, second guesser, averse to change

Wants to be: uninhibited, self-assured, fearless, free 

I was so silly, I thought I could become a whole new person just by ticking boxes off a list. 

Oh well, we live and learn. 

35 years of living and learning!! 

I don’t feel bad at all about growing old. 

I feel quite good actually.

I understand things better, I have met more non-like-minded people, I have listened to more amazing music, read amazing writing, had even more good food, had more interesting conversations, deepened some relationships, let go of some, been anchored by the people who matter most, and have hopefully served as an anchor too.

That's a lot in a short period of time.

Ha. A bargain! 

The biggest victory this year has been that I like myself. 

Like, I really like myself – the full package – insecurities and cellulite and greying hair and pre-coffee grumpiness... even a little bit of the people-pleasing and second-guessing.

Why, I might even say that I'm beautiful.

Here’s to another year of living and learning and having my guts and heart and soul and mind rearranged in a new configuration. 

I’ll find ways to love that person, whoever she turns out to be. 

Happy next year to me. 

the birthday post - 34

34!

Another year, and I’m still brave (or stupid) enough to keep writing these posts.

A project I started when I was 21… well, at least there’s consistency.

It’s been the blurriest year so far.

Days and weeks strung together by hours of video calls, Slack and Zoom meetings, decisions that were postponed, indefinite lockdowns and hotel quarantines.

Thankfully the days were also interspersed with beautiful walks along the river, loud laughter to bad jokes, making new friends and quality family time.

The bulk of my 2021 days have just been about getting stuff done.

But it’s also been a year of wrestling with who I am and who I’d like to be.

I faced a severe burnout a few months ago, a complete fizzling out of nerve endings.

A lot of people suggested I take walks, slow down, enjoy some ‘me time’ etc. to recover. All great suggestions.

But I found that absolutely nothing helped until I forced myself to get to the very root of the problem.

Everything else was an escape, a welcome one, but also only temporary.

I’m trying to be less of an escapist as I grow older.

All my life I’ve had easy access to escape zones: a piano, a set of crayons, a blank page.

I’ve enjoyed the immunity that art and music has offered to me.

Immunity is necessary.

It allows us to protect and preserve our mindspace, creativity, identity.

But maybe that’s just the equivalent to living in a bubble.

Hmmm. Never gonna let go of my lovely little bubble.

The other day I saw a great big papad in my dream.

I woke up the next day and fried myself a great big papad.

Some dreams are so easy to make come true!

I rediscovered what it means to be a good friend in the last few months.

You can’t possibly be there for someone all the time but it’s worth trying ;)

I’ve been lucky to have the steady, unwavering presence of my best friend for more than half my life now.

It’s great knowing that someone’s always got your back.

Interesting things I heard this year from various people:

-“No need to say stay safe because we are always making safe choices in life. I like to say ‘be brave.’”

-“You’ve built so many fences in your head. Freedom is in your head too.”

-“Today I saw a guy riding a motorcycle without a helmet, driving on the wrong side of road, overtaking a bus from the right, but had a big mask on his face and cotton in ears and he says he's scared of coronavirus!”

-“It’s cool to be uncool sometimes.”

-“We define the reality we live in.”

-”Why do you feel guilty about thoughts in your head that have no bearing in the external world? Enjoy your fantasy.”

I woke up one day a few weeks ago and felt like going on a train somewhere.

So I did.

I took a train up to the east coast and sat near a river.

I watched curlews wade in the water and barn swallows catch insects in the air.

Birding continues to change my everyday life.

I love knowing that I just have to look up to find something awesome.

I told a friend I was going mad the other day. He replied that if I was sane enough to acknowledge it,I wasn't there yet.

I guess that’s oddly comforting?

Going for a swim almost every day has helped me stay sane.

I love swimming at my own pace in my own lane, knowing there are others ahead of me, knowing that others are taking over, but I’m still swimming and moving forward.

Okay no, I absolutely hate these annoyingly fast people, BAN these show-offs plz.

I skinny-dipped in a river for the first time this summer, impulsively, spontaneously.

It was so incredible.

You know those moments when life seems so worth living? And the world tells you it’s got a slot reserved just for you?

It was one of those moments.

I’ve been lucky to have plenty of those moments thrown my way.

I also swam in the sea “properly” for the first time.

The movie Jaws still haunts me: sometimes when I’m alone in the pool, I feel like a shark will emerge out of nowhere. I've graduated from thinking that sharks will emerge from the loo though, so I guess it's an improvement.

I love growing vegetables.

Cucumber flowers are simply so pretty.

I’d love to play bass guitar.

If I could do it all over again, I’d have a real, honest shot at music.

I love the idea of throwing myself into something with single-minded dedication.

Unfortunately I don’t think I can ever be happy with single-minded dedication to just one thing.

I can have single-minded dedication to many things perhaps?

My level of self-awareness has exponentially increased with age.

I used to think that I wasn’t a bold person, but when I look back I find enough proof of having demonstrated fearlessness.

I used to think that I was a bad decision-maker but when I look back I find that I’ve made some incredibly kickass decisions.

Woohoo I’m awesome.

I’ve been told that self-diagnosis is dangerous but at least helps boost ego in this case.

This year, I worked on a secret project in which I created sad and depressed comics: the antithesis of thetapcomics.

I called it the sink comics, upon the suggestion of a friend (“You’ve got the tap for the happy stuff, just put the sad stuff in the sink.”)

It’s worked very well in helping me stitch together dark cynical thoughts into some kind of coherent form.

Yes yes I do have a Dark Side. So there. Ha!

One day I will release it into the world to balance out all the sappy cutesy "happy" preachy motivational inspirational nonsense that I've unthinkingly contributed to

It’s really difficult to solve a problem when you’re in it.

You can’t really see it when you’re in it.

There is no greater feeling than the feeling of someone having placed their trust and confidence in you.

I spend 12 days in a hotel quarantine and I had a surprisingly nice time in isolation.

The greatest gift of all is to be able to amuse yourself even when you're most alone, I think.

Access to WiFi helps.

I’m used to feeling “too much”.

I think it’s so much more empowering than it is limiting.

I feel too much all the time. Now all this too much has to go somewhere. I can’t possibly be the container for it all you know?

And so I draw, write, make music, talk to people, create stuff.

I must say it’s been very enjoyable.

When you think about how to live your life, you just want to do more of the stuff you like doing and less of the stuff you don’t like doing.

I’m getting closer to that dream everyday.

Not bad I say, not bad at all.

I thought I would at some point end these posts saying I want peace and quiet, but I once again find myself saying that I'm looking forward to more adventures :)

Here’s to more loud laughter to bad jokes, beautiful walks along the river and quality time with family and friends.