It's 2020 and I'm thinking maybe it's a good idea to revive this space. Not that it ever died really, I just became awfully conscious as an adult of airing my views in public. Omg the whole world is going to read my personal thoughts and make all these judgements about me! How can I put on public display my innermost thoughts? Well, it turns out that I've got enough innermost thoughts to last a lifetime so there's no risk of exposing myself that much also. Everyone's only getting the tip of the ice berg! Ha!
So much noise online nowadays, no? I think I also contribute to it with my incessant social media presence and comics and ramblings. But maybe this white box can be my relief, a space for me to declutter. All this output is essential for mental hygiene I think. Cleanses the system. Maybe the Internet is one big garbage dump, a place for everyone's crumpled paperballs.
Anyway, so the existential crisis has struck again, this time at 32. Funnily I felt the same angst at 23. I feel the same inadequacy, the same passion, the same desperation, the same burning desire to make some kind of positive change. I've been sitting with my notes and chewing my pen thinking about everything I'd like to do this year. I've had a very blessed life so far. And now it's time to give back. Do something grand. On a large scale. Life-changing. World-changing. VISION 2020.
I think wanting to do good stems from the desire to be liked. Apparently there exists no charity in the world without some sort of selfish interest (source to be verified, I read this somewhere). Recently, on a flight, I was working my way towards my window seat, when I saw that a kid was already sitting there with his nose glued to the window. I apologetically told his mum that was my seat and then in an impulsive grand gesture I said no no, he can just keep sitting there. And for the rest of the flight the kid was literally singing "Amma look the sun!! It's heeereee! Amma the sky is sooo blueeee! Look look, the sun is here onlyyyy!" And I grinned from ear to ear to myself. I could even picture the halo around my head.
Anyway coming back to the point of burning desire. I think some amount of dissatisfaction is necessary in life. And I don't mean the kind of dissatisfaction which is solved by going on a trip to Croatia (though I imagine that must be very therapeutic) or binge-watching a show on Netflix. It's a dissatisfaction that comes from some kind of "not-okay-ness". And the funny thing is this "not-okay-ness" is always there, even if we are super content with our personal lives. We live in a world which always needs some kind of fixing. Nothing is ever OK, and nothing ever will be.
Our own daily lives seem (or mine, at least, seems) fairly selfish. Will we ever be more than what we share? More than our jobs, our daily chores, conversations with the tiny percentage of people we meet? Can we ever really make a massive difference? Is our worth defined by the number of people we are able to impact positively? I think the answer is yes. I sway between wanting to achieve some sort of sainthood status which will make me gloriously immortal (see what I mean by selfishness) and being a sour cynic, grunting about how everything is ultimately futile. I'm yet to reach some sort of midway mark or some satisfactory resolution.
On the whole, I think it's time to pay it forward. Time to give more, create more, share more. Care more! As I chew on my pen and chart out the plan for the next year, I hope to take small steps towards doing something bigger than my limited everyday life, and grunt less about the pathetic insignificance of it all. All I need to do is make sure that the list doesn't end up as another crumpled paper ball in the World Wide Wastepaperbasket.
So much noise online nowadays, no? I think I also contribute to it with my incessant social media presence and comics and ramblings. But maybe this white box can be my relief, a space for me to declutter. All this output is essential for mental hygiene I think. Cleanses the system. Maybe the Internet is one big garbage dump, a place for everyone's crumpled paperballs.
Anyway, so the existential crisis has struck again, this time at 32. Funnily I felt the same angst at 23. I feel the same inadequacy, the same passion, the same desperation, the same burning desire to make some kind of positive change. I've been sitting with my notes and chewing my pen thinking about everything I'd like to do this year. I've had a very blessed life so far. And now it's time to give back. Do something grand. On a large scale. Life-changing. World-changing. VISION 2020.
I think wanting to do good stems from the desire to be liked. Apparently there exists no charity in the world without some sort of selfish interest (source to be verified, I read this somewhere). Recently, on a flight, I was working my way towards my window seat, when I saw that a kid was already sitting there with his nose glued to the window. I apologetically told his mum that was my seat and then in an impulsive grand gesture I said no no, he can just keep sitting there. And for the rest of the flight the kid was literally singing "Amma look the sun!! It's heeereee! Amma the sky is sooo blueeee! Look look, the sun is here onlyyyy!" And I grinned from ear to ear to myself. I could even picture the halo around my head.
Anyway coming back to the point of burning desire. I think some amount of dissatisfaction is necessary in life. And I don't mean the kind of dissatisfaction which is solved by going on a trip to Croatia (though I imagine that must be very therapeutic) or binge-watching a show on Netflix. It's a dissatisfaction that comes from some kind of "not-okay-ness". And the funny thing is this "not-okay-ness" is always there, even if we are super content with our personal lives. We live in a world which always needs some kind of fixing. Nothing is ever OK, and nothing ever will be.
Our own daily lives seem (or mine, at least, seems) fairly selfish. Will we ever be more than what we share? More than our jobs, our daily chores, conversations with the tiny percentage of people we meet? Can we ever really make a massive difference? Is our worth defined by the number of people we are able to impact positively? I think the answer is yes. I sway between wanting to achieve some sort of sainthood status which will make me gloriously immortal (see what I mean by selfishness) and being a sour cynic, grunting about how everything is ultimately futile. I'm yet to reach some sort of midway mark or some satisfactory resolution.
On the whole, I think it's time to pay it forward. Time to give more, create more, share more. Care more! As I chew on my pen and chart out the plan for the next year, I hope to take small steps towards doing something bigger than my limited everyday life, and grunt less about the pathetic insignificance of it all. All I need to do is make sure that the list doesn't end up as another crumpled paper ball in the World Wide Wastepaperbasket.
