the same old

Change is inevitable. That's a universal fact. You try to cope with change, and before you know it, you're changing with it. Try to resist, and you change all the more. Obstinacy doesn't get you anywhere. Accept, accept, that's what they've been preaching. I wonder why it is that even though all the wise men have been drivelling it into our heads that we should 'go with the flow', it isn't applicable easily.

Change is stealthy, you didn't even realise when it had crept in. It seems sudden, always. But it's been sitting there all long, growing, in one dark corner of your room, waiting for you to acknowledge its presence. In due course of time, it turns into an attention seeking, gleeful monster, poking and prodding you. Since its there to stay, you might as well get acquainted with it.

Change makes you think, change makes me think. It is the curtain in between scenes that morph into each other in a strangely disconnected way. And the characters run about excitedly, confusedly, changing costumes, going over dialogues.

Change sucks you in and lets you out.

It binds, it sets you free. Go through it, turn it over, walk around it, wallow in the whys, but there's only one way out.

Skip to point now.

just

I went to a school for slow learners/mentally challenged children yesterday.

I met a boy there, S, who is autistic and is something of a musical genius. He plays the piano, guitar and sings. He played a few songs on the keyboard and I was absolutely mesmerized. S sang softly even though the room was noisy. His eyes shone as he played and chords just flowed out of him. It was clear he was somewhere else, he was part of the song. He composes, too. I asked him if he understood what harmonizing means , he said he did. I sang a few songs with him and it was one hour of absolute bliss.

It was exhilarating to have connected.

Five weeks in Chennai

I've explored a considerable amount in the past five weeks. It has been been nothing short of madly tumultous but exhilarating all the same.

I went to the beach plenty of times during my stay. I love the beach. I love the ships and their tiny lights against the vast blackness. Oh, and the lighthouse! Just fascinating.. especially with all those Enid Blyton tales absorbed into my system. This part of the Marina is charming. The beam sweeps over sea the in a majestic circle.. and the spotlight falls on a building during its course! I always wondered how the residents of the apartment might be sleeping with that big round yellow beam shining through the windows every few minutes, its quite amusing. I can watch the sea for ages. It just fills me up with that half-thrilling, half-calming, lifting feeling;the cup runs over but keeps getting filled up like PC Sorcar's Water of Ganga. With every rise and fall of the waves I get a little higher.

Am going to miss the city, sorely. The Saravana Bhavan coffee, Oxford Bookstore, Landmark on NHR, the Madras Terrace House. The kittens in the hostel, the walks on Sterling Road, the walk to college, the guinea pigs, the train rides, the music, the friends.

"The old order changeth, yielding place to new."

contemplative

I suffer from two syndromes. One is exhaustive overthinking and the other is overthinking in exhaustion. Both don't seem to be very productive.

new

Before I can recover from one college life, another has begun. A sprawling leafy campus, endless classes and new faces. And the old friends and the music. The mad jumble-tumble of a schedule is about to begin.. in the heart of this dirty, hot, happening, charming, growing-on-me tamilian city, so full of sweaty activity.

Life has been updated.

Four years down

And I'm older,wiser, proudly parading about with my graduate status and readily obliging to spill some of this accumulated enlightenment.

College has been a series of cup-of-life-runneth-over-type experiences-from the crazy impromptu trips to the quiet reading in the room, from the screaming jumping rock concerts to the more sober evenings. I devoured books, frowning over pages of literature and philosophy. I discovered and rediscovered music- I met some brilliant musicians who introduced me to some brilliant musicians. I climbed hills. Everything just flowed freely. There was an appealing rawness about life.

I came across some incredibly talented people, some extremely nice people and some crazy people. Some have been constant, steady and steadying. Some swept me off my feet, some put me back firmly on the ground. Everyone I met had a role to play that, on looking back, seemed to fit in place.

Here, all our lives did hotchpotchedly intersect.

Now grown ups, and being expected to behave so, we will, as the Little Prince says, busy ourselves with matters of greater consequence.

muse

it's all about finding that perfect imbalance. precarious and breathtaking, yet firm.

perspective, vellore

To this place where I've found peace.

After having lived in a city for most part of my life, Vellore has been quite an experience. The place has grown on me. And how much! Vellore is a small quaint town, with busy streets in and around CMC..and inactivity pervading pretty much everywhere else.
People are happy here. They'd be happier with more rainfall*. But yes, people are a happy lot and life moves at a human pace. Vellore is full of suprises if you know where to look. Orange/pink houses spring up boldly out of paddy fields.. such an anachronism. Evening walks, among green fields and farmers' huts are pleasant and are a stark contrast to the monstrous concrete blocks of VIT. Kids play on the streets, grandmoms sit on the verandahs watching them, cows chew their cud and all's right with the world. Such content beings.

The place radiates a simplicity that is heart-warming. People are not in the least conscious. They possess an atrocious sense of spelling and give their shops atrocious names, but they are so blissfully unaware of this. (Darling residency.. not to mention the Baby too). It's amusing. Endearing. And why the beedi is goat marked is still a mystery.
Home to one of the busiest hospitals in the country, some brilliant NGOs, two good colleges, an old fort/temple of historical importance, dhabas and a million eat-outs, 50-rupees-t-shirts.

And to everyone who has been here and has been a victim of its quiet charm.

* the rains here are just beautiful

all about and over

There seems to be a struggle for expression these days. While there is a constant flow of ideas and thoughts in my mind which I try to put down, I miserably fail to do so. Sentences, upon my reading, seem to glaringly lack meaning and substance. Words, they fail to reproduce even half of an experience, a vision, a colour, a chord. In my mind they dont flow as well-punctuated sentences. Instead,they form an abstract jumble,like graffiti on a wall, refusing to be bound by the clarity that I seek to express myself with.

It is difficult to share what is so mine. I'm not quite sure whether I would call it restless curiosity or greed that makes me want to de-track just to experience what I would not have, had I not taken a detour. I'm in the category of people who suffer from an overabundance of life and when there is a lull I have to take a walk and look for more, for fear that I might miss out on something.

I would love to share, but my inability to express is clinging on, as if it fears that a part of me would be lost if I did. So much lives in a song I grew up on, in my favourite reading spot under that tree, in a cloudy sky. Even simple experiences make my words slink away shamefully,having been made aware of their incompetency.

It seems that in general, so much is personal to me. The problem of inexpression is not half as frustrating as the need to express is. Which, in turn, is not as bothering as is the fact that you might never know what it is like to be me.

3 am

random thoughts.

detachment born out of indifference.or vice versa?
weary acceptance of things unchanging.
sensitivity,tiresome, eventually leading to numbness.
the stupidest yet biggest insecurities.
yesterday's lover,today's past.
blocking out parts of life.
cruel selective memory.
meaningless conversations.
noises outside,silent within.
finding that love is what u want it to be.
letting go of some,holding on to more than acknowledged.
ability to reason out things in the head,inability to apply it when needed.
giving yourself away,like there's no tomorrow.
moments that cannot be relived.
plodding thru life at times, at other times there's unlimited energy,exuberance.
at both times, not knowing night from day.
doing the craziest things which seem to be in a distant surreal world when ulook back.
embracing life,embracing existence wholesomely.
realising the importance of prayer.
no time,space and patience for gossip.
limitless growing.
going thru the i'm-gonna-change-the-world phase.
realising the the impermanence of life and everything in it.
trying to get rid of self-created pain.
laughing...and more laughing.
hugs that can lift your spirits...and the feeling lasting for days.
understanding unconditional love exists only in one form-between parent andchild.
cumulative negativity removed out of the system sometimes by a bout of tears,sometimes by alcohol.
taking things lightly,imagining that they are insignificant in life's larger picture.
devoid of pride,yet ego persists.
learning to use ego as a defence mechanism.
learning to empathize with people.
taking wrong decisions confidently.
discovering instincts are almost always right
learning to submit,without any inhibition,and drowning in that beauty.
the gradual process of growth seeming to occur overnight-waking up wiser everyday.
mistaking temptation for curiosity.
ability to create our own memories.fascinating.
the music matters.
marvelling at the intangible.
alone in the end,but not lonely.
incomplete,part of a greater something.
whole in oneself.

forest fire

the hills are burning. i see a golden ring far away, in the direction of sathuvachari. thick red glow, the flames lapping hungrily. i picture myself on top of that barren, rocky hill, where i was a year back. the sight is unnerving even from this distance, from my room window.

nothing changes. the town is as quiet and peaceful as ever, fast asleep,while a fire rages madly around it.

Bookshop

Found a new bookstore yesterday. All bright and neat and oh-so-organized. And cosy also. I recognized the guy at the counter from another old bookshop that I used to frequent. After hunting for a particular novel in all possible stores in the twin cities, I finally found it here and I was ecstatic!

You know that feeling bookstores give you.. oh, I can spend all day there squinting at weird titles (whatoly people read/write nowadays!), leafing through those heavy hardbound picturebooks with glossy pages all rich in colour, coming across long-forgotten books that I wouldve read as a kid, smelling pages when no one's looking.. ah. I like nice warm bookstores as much as a like old dusty musty libraries.

Heart filled with happy, I say.

Conversation

A vocalist friend of mine said, in contemplation:
He: You know, there's only one thing I won't say when I grow up.
Me: What?
He: "I used to sing when I was a kid."

And in the continuous search for permanency, we forget to appreciate the beauty of everything that is transient.

Or maybe its how we perceive things that make them seem lasting or temporary.

It's all in the mind.

To cut a long post short

So much of time goes into figuring out life no.
That's why the older are wiser.

The birthday post - 21

( for those who read part 1 a year back.. here's part 2 )
Confessions of an almost 21 year old.

I am almost proper adult!
I have to start acting and feeling like one.
I have to stop chewing my nails.
I have to stop saying "when i grow up I'm going to.."

The seeds of maturity are sprouting i think.
Change has happened- in a series of overnight life changing incidents put together.
Change is happening..Waking up wiser everyday.
I've learnt from other people's mistakes as well as my own.

I've read so much n its amazing how so many more books are waiting to be devoured.
I've listened to so much music n theres still so much music floating around waiting to be heard.
My problem is that I'm always in a hurry to get things done.
Because there's so much more left to do no after that?

Being single gives me a strange feeling of self-satisfaction.
I love it.

I'm an extremist.
I'm an ICSE-snob.
Watercolours are a weakness.
Sugar cubes also.
Transparency is just so important in any relationship.
I need to stop accidentally sending messages to wrong recipients.Soon.

It takes guts to accept change.
I do enid blyton quizzes when I'm bored.
My thoughts form faster than I can put them into words.
I get alarmed sometimes about where my career is heading.. eeii what am i going to do.

I rarely forget.
Meaningless things are special to me.
I have a photographic memory.
My mood almost always depends on the weather.
Home is so solid and real.

Reason and emotion are constantly battling inside me.
I want those glow shoes and i want to go partying in them.. it might actually make me dance n all.
I like gel toothpastes they look like light sabers from star wars.
You'll find white spots of sleepily dribbled toothpaste on my nightclothes.

I love my room.
I love the squirrel on the window sill.
Gimme a keyboard and I can sit in one place for hours together.
I like drinking coffee out of steel tumbler and tea out of a cup.

The weirdest thing I've ever been called is " subtly vicious".
I dont understand break ups and cutting off completely from someone who's been part of your life at some point of time.
I believe everything can be sorted out if you can stretch your capacity to understand and accept.
I'm a total optimist.

I am tired of writing illogical tests that come nowhere close to testing your actual problem-solving skills.
Its not like I dont have answers i always have too many and cant pick.
I suck at decision-making.
I'm pretty much going around in circles.

I cant walk slowly.( you guys know..!)
I've been told I resemble a penguin more than once.
I always have something to say.
I am repetitive.
I seem to attract mallus like a magnet.
I finally found where all the cute guys in hyd are. Google! Eyecandy
It seems the easiest way for a girl to get a guy is to play hard to get.
It's never worked for me.
I've found that love is what you want it to be.
I've found love.
I cant drive big cars- I dont understand th dimensions and what I might hit when i turn.
Anything to do with oceans and seas and ships and ports and marine animals fascinate me.
IT parks are just depressing.
I've written over 100 poems.
I hate being called a poet.
The word reminds of me an old man reciting his lines to silent brooding pieces of victorian furniture.
Or a girl with airy-fairy ideas about the world.
and I am not both!
I'm a writer.
I'm still waiting for that point in life where everything will settle and go smoothly.. but whats point of life being straight line graph.
Put them bundled up sine waves all over the place.
I desperately want to change my email and blog address( moimystique!) but its too much of pain now, after all these years.
There's nothing like roaming around on the streets of chennai and having coffee on the roadside.
There was a time when I thought i was in love but i wasnt sure.
Then i thought i was in love again, this time i was sure, but it was too complicated.
And i was suddenly falling in love all over the place and decided i must be having some hormonal problems.
I've realised that nothing is constant.
It's always the beginning when you think its the end.
I am convinced that the world needs me.

I couldn't ask for more.

Enough

I want to live in a country where I don't have to stand in long queues for everything.

I ask

Conclusions Part 1

Short hair makes ass look bigger.
Blue toothpaste makes teeth blue but red doesnt seem to make em red.
Songs can hold your life.
Men are SO annoying but we need them anyway...Sigh.
You never feel like writing in a new white plain pages book.
Your own voice sounds better when no one's around.
There's no reverse gear.
You never want to throw away old posters that have been in your room.
The alphabet 'L' reminds me of water.
It's mortifying to send a message to the wrong recipient, switch off phone for ages throw away sim card for a while and then get a delivery report when you switch it back on.
It's comforting to know that other people are as clueless as you are.

Who woulda thought!

On the train back from Bangalore, I made conversation with this guy sitting next to me. Turns out he works for this zipper company,(yeah, zipper) and he spent some time explaining the different parts of the zipper pointing to the one on my bag...I was slightly taken aback, I hadn't really thought about the working of zippers before.There's even something called a zipper truck in some places,which i found quite fascinating. He was a bit show-offish ("oh, i know aallll languages, I'm a marketing guy, u know") so I decided to check if he was bluffing once I got back.

So I read up on this company,it is a Japanese company called YKK,the biggest manufacture of zippers in the world. I checked my jeans, bags, all zips had YKK inscribed on them, I hadnt even noticed before. Branded zippers!! There are even fake ones cuz they're so popular.

Read up on zipper history.Then got to reading bout how Velcro came about.

Suddenly have a new range of things to dwell on.